"The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." Did you ever stop to think about all the people we kill? 30. Think of the intellect it must take to derive pleasure from this activity: Hitting a ball with a crooked stickand walking after it! Everybody's going to save something now. George Denis Patrick Carlin ( May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, singer, voice artist, and comedian, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on politics, language, psychology, and religion, as well as some taboo subjects. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. They own all the important land. Were gonna save the fuckin planet? Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals. Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. In fact, sometimes you get the impression that theyre the only ones who vote. And the people said "You know something? ""You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? ""These days many politicians are demanding change. George Denis Patrick Carlin was born and raised in Manhattan, New York City, to Mary (Bearey), a secretary, and Patrick John Carlin, an advertising manager for The Sun; they had met while working in marketing. George Carlin's acerbic wit and profound societal insights were a one time cultural phenomenon. That's generally been true. BAD WORDS." You have no right to complain. It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin, 65. Were gonna save the fuckin planet? And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? It's interested in its own power, that's the only thing, keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. 42. You ever watch golf on television? Really. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians; all taking turns killing each other because God told 'em it was a good idea. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick! George Carlin, 67. ", "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. Then you become a baby, and then You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions central heating, room service on tap, and then You finish off as an orgasm. Next fucking case! Everyone smiles in the same language. George Carlin, 35. Contents 1 Quotes 1.1 FM & AM (1972) ", So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Doesnt happen. But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior. We made the whole fucking thing up! The planet is fine. Tell the judge the truth. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! Germany lost the Second World War. They own you. Produced by Will Reid and Michael Simon Johnson. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Plus he knocked up your daughter. We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus.. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesnt mean the circus has left town. George Carlin, 23. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." Because you have the illusion of choice! Or "Jesus, Can You Believe It's Christmas Again?" If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. The poor are there just to scare the shit out of the middle class. 1. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? We got a war on poverty, the war on crime, war on litter, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. You never hear them say Jesus made me drop the ball. The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage. According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. You have no choice. If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! It simply does not give a fuck about you! In the bullshit department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! Now we're really going to get even: we're sending experts to show them how to run their economy. "GIMME THAT, IT'S MINE!" Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. George Carlin, 9. I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. Call me! Theres only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin, 22. Weve learned how to make a living but not a life. We had great gifts, and we gave it all up for both money and God We gave it all up to superstition, primitive superstition, primitive shit Invisible man in the sky, looking down, keeping track of what we do, make sure we don't do the wrong thing, if we do, he puts us in hell, where we burn forever. George Carlin- The official home of one of the most important and influential American stand-up comedian, social critic, actor, and author. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? They should be giving their money to you. They try to divide the rest of the people. Zach Urban on Twitter: "RT @WideAwake444: Government doesn't care about You have owners. Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. A comedian can say things that you may not want to hear but need to. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. But he loves you. You know, you, O Beautiful, for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, There are four hundred thousand words in the English language, and there are seven you can't say on television. Everything He ever makes dies., 9. At least he's honest about being, Everybody knows by now, all businessmen are completely full of shit; just the worst kind of low-life, criminal, cocksuckers you could ever wanna' run into a fuckin' piece of shit businessman. I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration. I have certain rules I live by. 45. Be happy with what youve got, because the owners of this country dont want that. You don't have to bring flowers. Its disgusting, man. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. They don't give a fuck about you. Doesn't anyone in this country stop and LOOK AT THINGS anymore? When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. George Carlin, 54. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. Let's face it, we have very little to work with. But you ever notice there's no war on homelessness, is there? You dont see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? It's interested in it's own power. And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. When they say "right to life," they're talking about THEIR right to decide which people should live or die. Just for you? I am perfectly willing to share the room with a fly, as long as he is patrolling that portion of the room I don't occupy. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years doesn't mean a thing. I leave that to others. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. 1. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they're gonna tell you some things you shouldn't say because they're Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. 38. It is a coincidence. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership. Another failed mutation, another closed-end biological mistake. OK? But once you're born, you're on your own. They just care about having a comfortable place. When a business man sits down to negotiate a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who's trying to fuck him outta his money. A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality and its not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street. George Carlin, 68. Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death! And we'll be gone. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. BAM! Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior. But where do people think these politicians come from? Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. And Bushis pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before. Theres a humorous side to every situation. 01. Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line, I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me. Happens to work. (. The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. George Carlin, 15. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they, I have certain rules I live by. Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And they're walking around, nobody worrying about it. A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. George Carlin was incendiary, he was hilarious, he was often the smartest dude (and biggest smartass) on the block, and he was a national treasure. Im sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. George Carlin, 27. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. What do you want Him to do? 18. He was regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time. In this blog post, well take a look at some of his best quotes on the subject. I'm here to help. Heres another question I have: How come when its us, its an abortion, and when its a chicken, its an omelet? The Divine Plan. When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. [points to chest] And if you're in tune with it, like the Indians, the Hopis, especially, the balance of life, the balance, the harmony of nature, if you understand that, you don't overbuild. He was a "political" comic the way George Orwell was a "political" writer. Then you're just what they're looking for. Maybe this time itll work. George Carlin, 59. Use your fucking heads! "No." And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to The God Question: "Do you believe in God?" When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. Like the public. 37. Because I think we squandered great gifts. Forget the politicians. "Do you believe in. What a fucking disgrace that place is! ""The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. 44. Maybe evenremember them? In America, anyone can become president. 13. But happiness is not something I have, it is something I myself want to be. I say, "Hey, professor! Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. They'll get it all from you sooner or later 'cause they own this fuckin' place. You want somethin' hot to suck on? People don't believe that! It's our differences. Not me. He was born May 12, 1937, in New York City into an Irish Catholic family, but he rejected the faith. Second, I don't vote, because I firmly believe that. I wish for a cowboy to walk crooked, and with great pain, for the rest of his life. You're reading a nice story, and suddenly the writer has to stop and describe the clouds. You don't wait thirty years. People are fucking nuts. A new two-minute spot from Pattern Integrity Films features a famous rant from the late comic George Carlin set against a devastating set of images of Donald Trump's America. Birth control pills are still on prescription. It's a shame everything has to have a label. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Hope these quotes will give you a different perspective on government and how it works. They own, and control the corporations. Who stole my collection of used bandages?! George Carlin Quotes - BrainyQuote Edited by Liz O. Baylen and Mike Benoist. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugsit's all those DRUG stores, right? Hosted by Sabrina Tavernise. This is an outmoded idea. Not a word. Carlin was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, religion, psychology, language and taboo subjects. - George Carlin. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked 5 twos! You have owners. Another George Carlin Quote. : Libertarian - Reddit A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. BULLSHIT! Broadly speaking. Here's what you do: First of all, you don't get all scared and do whatever he tells you. Bomb them!" Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Parents are full of shit, teachers are full of shit, clergymen are full of shit, and law enforcement people are fullofshit this entire country. George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic and author. It's nothing. Let's get started! Boy, these conservatives are really something, arent they? And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesnt want you to do. He'd say, "I'm goin' upstairs and fuck your grandmother." Thats the only thing. 11. After that, they dont want to know about you. And generally speaking, people on the right of center, are interested in property values, property, property rights. 46. '""The difference between left and right of centeroriginated in the Frenchparliament. People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. 101 Marianne Williamson Quotes That Will Enlighten You. ""Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. Actually, I dont care, I drink it anyway. Sort of take them in? The only country that could invade America is America! Its never just a game when youre winning. George Carlin, 7. But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? Carlin was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, religion, psychology, language and taboo subjects. Thats the problem. Fewer Texans. Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? 27. 11 Profound Quotes on Politics by George Carlin Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school. George Carlin. Catholic kids are stupid; they don't know how to handle a pedophile priest. Some people don't want you to mention certain things. They're privileges. 16. DBS MORNING SHOW & OBITUARIES 25TH APRIL 2023 APRIL 2023 - Facebook I wonder why prostitution is illegal. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down! Not so youd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. Leave these fucking people alone for Christs sake. George Carlin was an outspoken comic, known for his brash sense of humor, foul language and controversial views on politics, religion and other sensitive subjects. They say if you scratch a cynic, you'll find a disappointed idealist. In this blog post, well take a look at some of Carlins most famous quotes on government. Selling is legal. No nothing. Ask an addict. There are battered husbands. First thing- "Hey! Spoiler: advertising man says, "It's Good!". Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy. And camcorders: here is technology gone berserk. George Carlin. Famous Quotes by George Carlin about Politics, "In America, anyone can become president. Sleepy was into reds. Keep em showing up at those jobs. George Carlin, 81. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. But, when it comes to changing the language, I think they [feminists] make some good points, because we do think in language, and so the quality of our thoughts and ideas could only be as good as the quality of our language. It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. It's interested in its own power. You ever notice that? The challenge is to find it. George Carlin, 17. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so theyre gonna tell you some things you shouldnt say because theyresins. A boring game for boring people. And now, ladies and gentlemen, that we've enjoyed some good times this evening, and enjoyed some laughter together, I feel it is my obligation to remind you of some of the negative, depressing, dangerous, life-threatening things that life is really all about; things you have not been thinking about tonight, but which will be waiting for you as soon as you leave the theater or as soon as you turn off your television sets. You know how you speed up baseball? Quote by George Carlin: "Forget the politicians. The politicians are We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. Several reasons. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt! Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin, 37. They never mention that part to us, do they? It's convenient. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. George Carlin, 70. Below youll find the best collection of George Carlin quotes. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. A Reverend Donald Wildman in Mississippi heard something on the radio that he didn't like. 20. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and the Christians are just tossing them aside.